My Blog :: The nature of opening up to other and attendant fears

Secrets
12:31AM on February 21, 2010

I wonder to myself in this my second Blog whether this is separate issue or rather a natural progression from my first " Whom Do We Trust " , I guess you will make your own minds up on that one but I lean towards the latter .
Secrets an emotive issue , we all have secrets of all kinds some trivial such as guilty pleasures , or a little more serious like passwords , rising through more serious ones which embarrass or trouble us or which we don`t wish to be known for other reasons .
But how much does the retention of such secrets impact on our daily lives , some obviously have severe consequences such as criminal acts or an addiction or an illicit relationship , these are not necessarily the type I mean well not this sense any way .
I`m groping  for the right words here to express my intent , so please bear with me, I`m by nature cautious of revealing too much .
What I am trying to say is is do your secrets affect the way you see the world and interact with people ?, I wonder how much of past difficulties such as my alcoholism were as a result of not revealing and there by dealing with experiences which remain secret , well the details at least . Going further back did events shape my character or did my character inspire the events . I will not reveal my secret here , I haven`t revealed it to anyone ever, I will only say it relates to the subject of a very recent Blog by another friend, those of my friends reading this who have read it , will probably guess it`s nature . Sorry for those for whom it doesn`t make sense , but somethings , some secrets affect us profoundly , for instance Soldiers will discuss amongst themselves areas they have seen  combat , but never the details . I wonder if secrets shape our sexuality too , because sometimes that sexuality itself becomes another secret or vice versa , where by as I firmly believe our sexuality is fixed at birth . This in it`s self was a secret I retained until fairly recently until making  good friends here on Rude , who made it possible to open up aspects . Most of you no doubt have close family , close friends in physical world  probably from child hood or partners with whom you share secrets ?. For my part I have none of these , my family is not a close knit one , I have not friendships off-line and my partner has enough concerns without me adding to them , so this was an attempt to cleanse my soul as it were , which has not been entirely successful .Perhaps I`ll give the matter more thought , but your thoughts on this thorny issue will be most welcome and may help clarify my thinking , so I thank you in advance for your interest .

In Whom Do We Trust ?
1:08AM on August 23, 2009

Let me first dedicate this my first ever attempt at a Blog to a very good friend and amazing woman who has given me the courage to open up , Lacey this for you .
Trusting people is always an issue for me , it probably has much to do with my background and upbringing , in which I grew up as an outsider . I`m the youngest of three but with a huge gap in age between my elder sister 10yrs and my brother 6 yrs and so in effect was an only child , but one who was an unexpected arrival , which in that era mean`t  an unwanted birth , I always knew this in my mind and had it confirmed by my partner in conversation with my mother a few years ago . Also we were the only Prodestant family surrounded by large Catholic families so this  marked me out as different  and children can be so very cruel to those they perceive as different , so any small amount of confidence I possesed was destroyed . This pattern was to be repeated throughout life , so I became self reliant and very much independant never part of a gang or clique , able to work with others but seperate at the sametime . The whole point is to illustrate not my need for pity , because I don`t want or need it , but to show how valuble a commodity trust can become . We all keep secrets even from our partners whether it be a small thing or like me , that I am Bisexual , experience having taught me that to open up invites disaster . Even here on Rude and I would like to take the opportunity to thank another couple of friends Sammy and her husband Rude Brett whom along with a few others set up Rude in the first place . Sorry I digressed slightly , but in Rude most of us have found a place where we can finally be free to be ourselves, to indulge our fantasies and tastes . But as I said even here , most of us still hide behind false names , comic cartoon images or hide our faces , for fear of being recognised , most haven`t even attempted to complete the bio part of their page . So even on this very open site for like minded people Trust is still an issue , for my part even with all my fears my bio is complete except for real name (reserved for my very closest of friends ) and face is visible in Rude bits . How do you decide who you are going to trust ?, is it instinct ?, word of mouth ?, time ? or do you just like the look of the person ? or perhaps as has been the case with me in the past an inner lonliness, but what ever the criteria , it`s always a lottery .