10:03PM on May 04, 2008
It was a HELL of a fucking week AND THAT is the truth, Ruth!
I must say how incredibly refreshing it was to throw all the stuff out that needed to go. My last apartment was cursed. It could have been me or Jay that spit out the hex, or maybe both… If you think about it. However, either way that apartment there was doomed even before anything went wrong in that relationship, at least TOO wrong. Oh well it was just as much my fault as it was his and it’s over now and he honestly probably has no idea that I moved, I feel like I am hiding at a secret location or something.
But yeah getting rid of so much crap was a blessing or a little soul cleansing of sorts. I am putting up the remainder or my belongings as we speak. I still don’t have a bed in here to sleep on since I threw my old two out, and to who that may concern… I will be sending you instructions on where to send the new frame and mattress, because I want it shipped directly here since I now have learned the true colors of SOME of my friends through this whole moving experience.
I also have a small unenclosed backyard that I want to get one of those spikes you put in the ground and attach a chain to for my doggie love cakes to play outside on.
A little info about my new place:
I have two bedrooms like before but am not sure yet what I am going to do with the other bedroom. I considered getting a roommate but considering I hate most people it would have to be a VERY special friend.
I have a balcony that looks like a possible death trap, but I’ll promise to keep away from the edge when I am drinking. Other than that it’s pretty neat… I can imagine sitting out there and reading books or chilling online on my wireless internet that I have yet to call and set up since I have no phone here… Blah.
I still can’t find the light switch for my bedroom which I think is pure crazy. When you design an apartment how the hell are you going to hide the light switch? Anyways, my bedroom is flipping amazing. The walls are the perfect hello kitty pink which matches all my bedroom crap like my covers and wall stickers and what have you. I will be excited to finally receive my bed and get that room completely set.
The animal babies love the new place. Snack (cat) took awhile to warm up though, she was a little freaked out at first but Jeb (dog) took the new place like the back of his paw.
Now I want to share a little about my horrible moving experience. You know that guy I considered my best friend? Steve? Yeah he is a farce. Fuck him totally. I mean you should have seen him. Every five minutes he was at my throat yelling about, “Why do I have to help you move? Why can’t you ask someone else? Why is this MY responsibility? Boo Hoo I am a big fucking baby.” Seriously, When I was packing and I asked him to take each box I packed to his truck after he took each box he came back and stopped me from packing to complain. I thought friends helped each other with this kind of thing? If Leslie was in town I know we would have had a good ass time moving my shit. Why does everything have to be such a burden on Steve? He even blamed me for his failure to complete some assignment that he has been putting off, yet whenever I wouldn’t be around and he said he was going to work on it he would either be sleeping or out drinking… I hate when people can’t take responsibility for their own damn actions.
I love Steve very much and I wish it wasn’t like this but I think I am going to have to stay away from him for awhile. I know he loves me as well, but I have come to the conclusion that he must harbor some type of resentment towards me. Most likely he is secretly pissed deep down because I never buckled down and dedicated myself to him as a girlfriend and he hates that I was never his property. I just couldn’t be doing that during the time I was with him. I mean I have only ever been in long term relationships and basically I just needed a break but the mistake was that I failed to realize that having sex with some people equates a dedicated relationship. Not to say that’s wrong. Honestly I am ready to settle back down with an awesome guy… If I ever find one.
For a long time I was fucking nuts in all honestly and I feel like I have been doing quite a bit better and I think being in this new place is an even farther step in the right direction. Lets look over my history here…
I made the mistake of ruining the best relationship with a dude I ever had to do some really dumb stuff that ended up not being such a great idea. Or at least it wasn’t a great Idea to go about it in that fashion. I was angry and guilty about it so I punished myself by staying with an extremely mentally abusive and neglecting asshole of a boyfriend. I couldn’t leave because I thought I deserved to lay in the very bed I had made for myself. THEN on top of this I was raped. I was having a really hard time coming to terms with that whole thing and figuring out that NO I wasn’t to blame for the evil in him that he forced into me. I am sure you can imagine how much of a journey to recovery this was if you know ANYTHING about rape.
After this happened and I was still with the said asshole, he actually had the nerve to tell me I was lying and I was just being dramatic, furthering my self doubt and self criticism about that whole ordeal. When I finally worked up the nerve to break away from him I though everything was going to be awesome since I was starting my relationship with Jay and he was everything I dreamed of. I thought he was the answer to all my ails and trust me I had many depressing points that caused me to want to implode.
For awhile everything was amazing until I realized that I infused a insane possessiveness and jealous streak in him because of the way I am naturally. (Flirty, exhibitionistic, narcissistic, ect.) This streak eventually turned violent and that truly broke my heart for like what I thought was the last time I could take it. I turned violent as well in return and the relationship was in a downward spiral… during which time I acted out by cheating on him with Steve. I regret that to some degree as I know no one deserves that. The right thing to do would have been to end the relationship before giving into anything with Steve, but when you are in the mix of a crisis you can make shitty decisions especially if you truly love the person and hope it will eventually straighten itself out. Well as you can see it didn’t.
I have also been curse (or hopefully eventually this will turn into a blessing) of a poly-amorous mind. So during two of those relationship I fell in love with and proceeded to engage in two very valuable affairs with two separate women. I can understand why that was heart breaking for both guys that it happened to, but I have to say I can’t regret falling in love. Can you? I am not sure exactly how I should handle those things in the future, if they should happen again. I wish that if I have a perfect match out there he would be ok with these affairs and understanding that I need them to survive this bleak world. It doesn’t mean I love him any less. Although, I can imagine if he were to fall in love with another girl I would be heart broken as well. Maybe there is just not a solution to this conundrum considering most losers that would be ok with that, only are because they think it’s hot or that thy may be able to get into the action whish is disgusting to imagine sharing two people I love in that way.
The point of that rant on my passed relationships was to prove I needed a god damned break to heal myself from all my disappointments and failure. I needed time to turn what seems like a series of unfortunate events into a positive journey to better self understanding. In turn, I can successfully report that has now come to pass and I am ready to move on to bigger and better things.
As you can probably recognize, I feel like a new baby being reintroduced to this world. I am looking at things with a curiosity that suggests magic is afoot. I am getting back into the things that used to make me happy, such as herbal magic and fashion. I haven’t dressed myself like I have been proud of what my garments package in a long time and damnit I want to feel beautiful and take pride in myself in a new positive way. I am NOT just the merchandise of what I sell on my website, but I am a living breathing and beautiful human being and I refuse to allow you, me or anyone else to taint that. I will persevere and find new magic within this world.
With that being said, I do appreciate Steve for being there for me during this tough time and I feel bad in my heart that I can’t give him what he wants. I do love him and maybe that will become a monogamous relationship one day in the future but at this time I think may have exhausted our usefulness to each other and need to move on in order to be happy healthy people. Which is extremely sad and depressing for me, as he was a very good friend but I refuse to put up with him treating me like I am such a hassle to deal with and that I should be so lucky that he is taking time or of his action packed day to grace me with his Godly presence.
Fuck that, sweetie you have that twisted. I am the fucking star in this corner of the universe. You are lucky to be sharing your time with such an amazing and beautifully complicated being such as myself. I plan on surrounding myself with people that encourage good things from me and don’t mind lending a hand to help get me there. I don’t have time for people that are bothered by me using up their time or asking them for help on something that could have been really fun.
So beyond this when I said earlier that I realized that “some” people I considered friends were really just hanging out with me because I am convent and possibly boost their self esteem in many ways, I really meant Steve.
Steve helped me move my heavy ass hold out couch to his house for safe keeping so we could get it to my new apartment when I received the keys. Then when he was supposed to help me and another friend get it into my place (up stairs, this was a difficult task.) He copped out to play fucking video games and go out drinking. I suspect he was just trying to punish me for his own jealousy for hanging out with someone other than him, yet he complains about how when I do hang out with him I prevent him from doing what he wants and he hates doing things for me.
So me and this other person got this HUGE ass couch in my apartment. It was a pretty amazing feat. The bad news is that in the process because of how we had to do it considering I am a small girl and he’s not that freaking strong of a guy we tore up the couch upholstery in various places and that sucks considering it was a brand fucking new couch but, since Steve wouldn’t fucking help us it had to be done… Also we broke the bottom hinge off of my front door and broke the fold out part of the couch so that it won’t fold out now. But I am still stoked it’s even up in my apartment. I can’t believe we got it in here.
In other non-moving news I have decided and began to go through the daunting task of stripping the black hair color out of my hair and bleaching it to an acceptable blond for summer. So far I have stripped the color and bleached it twice. It’s really REALLY light blonde but it has this horrible orange color that I haven’t been able to get rid of yet. It’s pretty embarrassing but by this time next week it will look dope as hell because I have stuff coming in the mail to fix it. I had one of my very sweet droids send me the supplies off of my wish list to fix it. He ordered me this shampoo and conditioner with purple toner in it called shimmer lights, and a new color to put on top of the crap results I have now to make it chill out, and a semi permanent toner to keep it looking fresh as hell. So I just somehow have to live with the orange head until I can reach the results that I really want and can buy some weave hair that matches so I can go back to having my long hair.
Well it’s noon and I probably won’t get to post this until way later seeing as how I will need to walk down to the coffee shop to do so and I want to take a shower and stuff first since I have not done so all through this nasty sweaty and shitty moving experience. I was going to attempt to make a home made toner to combat the brassiness in my hair with some old manioc panic purple hair color that I have mixed with like some conditioner or something. I hope It doesn’t end up looking worse than it already does. Holler.
Since I have yet to stroll down to penny lane and check my internet crap, I’ll go ahead and let you guys know what happened with my hair. I mixed the purple hair color with conditioner and it still took way to much but only in certain spots so basically I ended up with lavender and orange hair. So I just went ahead and threw the rest of the purple color in only to realize It wasn’t enough to color my whole head so I had to use the rest of this Atlantic blue color I had to cover the rest o the orange. At first I was pretty disappointed but I have come to terms with it, as it doesn’t look too bad. It actually looks pretty neat. Maybe since this is semi perm, when it fades the blue/purple will like nullify the yellow/orange colors and I can color it blonde from there? Plus in all honestly I need to wait awhile before I put anymore harsh permanent color in my hair because my scalp is like dying.