My Blog :: Oh just rambles from my brain.

I need a new creative endeavor
10:15PM on July 13, 2009

I really need to write more like I used to. It kept me thinking clearly and gave me a chance to look at the things that were bothering me as well as the projects I have done well on. So I need to write more for reflection on not only my personal life but my business life as well!

I just put in the movie Moulin Rouge. I have only seen this once about 6 years ago and I have owned the movie for two or three years as my ex girlfriend Leslie bought it for me as a gift. I assume she thought I would love it because of my appreciation for the cabaret and burlesque.

The movie has some pretty neat imagery but I remember hating the way they incorporated modern music into the score. I realize this isn't a traditional musical but that really fucked it up for me.

I'll see what I think of it now as an adult...

I'm an adult now and that cracks me up. I have no idea how people (and I guess by “people” I mean my Grandmother) allow me to live on my own. I am like a 5 year old running amok AND living with three unruly cats and one very energetic dog. I can't cook or better yet I am too lazy to cook, have anxieties so thick I can't leave the house at some points for days at a time, and I only talk to other characters of myself along with you know my animals that each have a voice and pitch of their own that I have to act out for them... Basically I am a toddler that's being allowed to live on her own.

Sometimes this worries me. Like when will the masses start realizing that I am a child stuck in an adults body and why is it that when I was a child I felt like an adult stuck in a child's body? Why has this reality flipped on me?

Lately I have been thinking about dance. I wish I had a studio apartment so I could live out my dreams of dancing whenever I feel that it's necessary. I had a small window at getting my dream and dancing with burlesque troupe in town. One I was apart of awhile back but they declined at adding me to their entourage just recently.

I have considered starting my own dance/performance art troupe however there are a TON of reasons why I don't make a go at this.
1.It would automatically be considered a rival at the troupe I was once apart of and failed to regain access to. This would be highly um undesired. If anything I would have liked to have worked with them and built up the art community here.
2.There were very few people that auditioned for them when they held tryouts which leads me to believe there just aren't enough people left in the area that would be interested in participating in something like this with me.
3.I could easily become apart of something that's already established but I really don't have the time or space in my schedule to start something up on my own and be fully responsible for.
4.And finally I have NO ROOM at my newer apartment for any practicing. I have no idea how I would find a spot to practice or perform in/at. I'm not the best with people, you know:)

So that's out but I obviously have considered it cause it's something that would my my little heart pant with joy and delight. It's just sadly totally unreasonable.

I need something new though. I have so many work/online projects that I am constantly busy with. But I need something totally unrelated and creative that I don't have to consider it's marketability or anything like that to work on. Does that make sense?

What do you think of this dream?
5:03PM on July 12, 2009

I am making myself get up out of bed to type this one out... I have had quite a lot of strange and epic dreams lately about people I know that have been providing me strange insight into what is going on behind the scenes in their lives. So last night (or this morning, as I fell asleep around maybe 6am?) I decided to start recording my dreams again in some type of way whether recording them in a book or on a tape and keeping a way to record these dreams beside me or near me in some way that would/will be easy to convince myself to get up and write these ideas down.

Somewhat recently I received an email from some stranger who says he goes by the handle of “seerinc” on many of the sites he has run across me on. This name seems vaguely familiar but I can't think of what specific instances I may have actually spoke to him in. He goes onto say he has some what of a psychic ability and had a strange dream about me and my grandmother and was warning me to cherish my time with her.

I really just put this email out of my mind deciding that the illustration of her that he described in his dream couldn't be her and I even spoke to her about it. I responded to his email saying that it couldn't be her, halfway expecting another email back offering his services to investigate further for some fee I wouldn't cough up and that would be the end of it. Well no such email came... Maybe he forgot about me?

I will now try as best I can to recall the dream I had last night in some type of linear fashion that will be easy enough for anyone to follow because it corresponds with the email he sent me and obviously because of this dream being frightening as hell for me.

So at the very beginning...

My Grandma “Patsy” announced to the family that she will be giving up her partial residence here in the world and taking up full residence in the after-death/under world because her mother is finally ready for her there. (My great grandma is dead and has been for... 16 years and right after she passed I remember Patsy having a hell of a time with it.) In the dream Patsy didn't seem surprised or saddened about leaving this world as apparently she had been visiting the underworld for some time and even had an apartment there she would stay at during her visits.

So in an effort to change her mind and possibly talk to my Great Grandmother and perhaps talk her out of this as I need Patsy here... I followed her one day to the underworld. This would be her last trip there I learned as I arrived and she wouldn't be coming back and the dream shifted to other subjects...

So in following her I was in a hospital and saw she was taking an elevator to the basement and thus did the same and caught up with her as she was turning a corner down a hallway. There past the turn were two doors both leading to the underworld. She entered them and I followed. She was welcomed by many people that had grown to know her there after her many visits. At the other side of the doors were a bunch of “inbetweeners” that to me were mainly represented my drug addicts or those “living on the edge”. Basically they were people that could go either way at anytime yet for some reason decided that being closer to death was worth it to do what they did to end up there in the first place.

This is where I learned that the longer a person was there the more life energy that would deplete from them and if their energy was allowed to fall low enough would trap them there killing their physical body in the “real world”. I saw a girl there near the doors and made up a story about how I was there to see a friend that may live in her neighborhood and I even made up a name. She said she knew this person and asked me some questions about her and I made up some sad story about her being the homecoming queen. So we started our journey through the underworld to find this person. I kept seeing glimpses of Patsy in different places and having flashbacks to my Great Grandmother's funeral during this time. But Patsy seemed to not notice me being wrapped up in the next step of her existence and my purpose slowly faded of bringing her back.

The young girl who was taking me to see this person I created slowly became more and more friendly and I was enjoying her company. She showed me that the underworld was just a labyrinth of bushes some you can see over and others that you can't. We stopped to talk to an older man and he confided in us that he was only there to use what he got there to gain money when he visited the real world. He was evil and we got away from him after he made us very uncomfortable. He was half alive like her, meaning they could go back and forth between worlds and he did although for some reason the younger girl chose to stay there.

WE met another girl who was friends with my (then) guide. She was pretty cool too but something seemed more amiss with her but nothing evil or “dark”. Then I kind of was staring over a part of the labyrinth and thinking for awhile and they were talking behind me or something and I realized there was a dark man to the right of me and although totally not touching me was holding me there and sucking my life energy all away. I realized then I had been standing in the dark, or like a shaded area of the labyrinth where the light couldn't get to.

I instantly was afraid and trying to pull away from him but couldn't scream for being so weak. The girls noticed and pulled me away and we started running back through the labyrinth to get away from the dark and as we were running noticed there were many parts of the labyrinth that were dark and light and we tried to stay in the light.

The dark parts were like sticky paper for flies or something there were dark miserable spirits there all in shadow they would try to pull you in and take your energy from you. I got stuck a few more times before getting back to the doors with the two girls. I insisted they come back with me but one girl the girl that had something strange about her she couldn't even see the doors she had no idea what we were talking about and I realized she was fully dead. The other girl who was ill or close to death COULD see the doors and another girl who seemed to be waiting for us there told us to say goodbye to our friend and walked us through. Someone handed us a baby to take with us.

We ran through the doors with this mysterious girl and the baby who seemed to get bigger and bigger as time pasted at a alarmingly fast rate laughing joyfully and I noticed all the people arriving from the elevators were so somber and I remembered that when I came there were people coming and going in joy and in sorrow both. Now I knew why.

So the girl and I that I felt like I helped rescue and the baby got into an elevator. A weird looking dude who was obviously alive but had evil intent said if we gave him the child we would be able to live. We didn't let the little boy go who was nearly 4 or 5 now but as the elevator door closed the child disappeared from my arms and he had him. The weird evil guy took him (the child) into a different elevator and up they went. Our mysterious girl who was waiting to escort us by the doors of the underworld took the ride with them but somehow hidden at first. At a stop the little boy was maybe 20 years old now and carrying a back pack got off of the ride and the man that stole him turned into that old evil man who was using the underworld to gain money and power.

I now understood the 20 year old guy was his grandson whom he (the older evil man) originally went there to save and got swept up in the fact he could cheat life using the knowledge he gained there. The grandson got off on a floor in the hospital and off he walked. He had been there in a coma for sometime because of a drug overdose or something like that and was going to return to his body. He was evil too though and I wished I hadn't aided his return.

The old man and the guide who had now appeared were in the elevator going to another floor even higher up and the man had some type of case with all of this money and symbols of power. A puppy appeared to come through a crevice in the elevator door and he pet the animal and the animal went back out the way he came. This of course was impossible as the elevator was moving...

The old man stuck his hand out the door somehow by squeezing it through a crevice to get the dog as if he was hypnotized by the animal and wanted to grab him and he obviously wasn't thinking straight. The girl/guide screamed out for him to stop and he became lodged in the elevator gears and slowly the elevator was pulling him out and crushing him piece by piece. The dog had been a trick of the dark part of the underworld that had been depleting his life energy in all the times he went there for the wrong reasons... and the girl was a guide making sure his soul got back there and was punished for what he had done.

My friend and I reached our floor and got out intuitively knowing what had happened to them and picked up a news paper that talked about both of them being crushed in the elevator together as if it had happened days before. However she was okay and so was I and we were happy for that! This is when I woke up...

I don't want to lose my grandma and this is why this is scary for me. The other parts are just sort of weird that it played out in a complete story... What is your take on this dream?

Are people really like this?
5:35AM on April 02, 2009

How can you be so wrong? I call you out for being a fucking idiot for using the word “nigger” and you tell me that I am a bitch for doing so? Who are you? Then you tell me that I am saying it’s ok for one race of people to use a disrespectful and fucking historically abominable term like that but not another? You get in my face saying this… Brad. But no I didn’t fucking say that because I don’t agree with either ignorant side. You get in my face and ask me if I am even black… Do I have to have a reason for calling you out for being completely ethically WRONG? But YES actually I AM black.
I fucking hate you goddamned idiot fucks. I try to help you by educating you on why what you are saying is just insensitive and incorrect that makes me a horrible bitch from hell. I actually ended up being a total bitch and calling his friends fat clones because they all dress like these fuck asses I knew when I was 16, when they were obsessed with being “hard core” and “straight edge” and wearing stupid fucking black t-shirts that are too small for their Midwest McDonalds eating asses.
But ACTUALLY I feel bad about being a stupid judgmental bitch and saying that bullshit. I know you guys are real people and didn’t deserve that especially because you weren’t originally involved in the situation but to come out and to scream that your fat asses hate Jews and NIGGERS then yeah I guess I should have walked away and totally just sucked it up. Yeah fucking right.
Who are you people? How can you possibly think that is acceptable… especially for your fat WHITE asses to say? Ok I am again sorry. I mean, why do you think it’s cool and acceptable to say bullshit like that? I guess I am at fault as well for being insensitive to your weight problem. I mean for god’s sake as if I don’t or have never had a weight problem…
I feel bad. I feel like you should feel. Like a really horrible, conscious ridden person. But you didn’t have to get in my face and point your finger and call me names for standing up (calmly I might add) for something that I truly believe in.
I hate society and I still DO NOT think you are a bad person… Like I said in that parking lot. Nor do I think your asshole friend is REALLY an asshole. He was just trying to make me angrier because he thought it was funny that I cared that using a word like that was morally “wrong”. But society told him it was funny and dramatic and an overreaction. I hope that one day you all realize that using such terms are hurtful and ignorant. I only stood up for what I thought because I thought I could help you or influence you. I didn’t deserve that side of your anger.
I won’t even get into the rest of what has upset me about this situation involving someone who I assumed was more enlightened than he really is. You’re showing your roots with this one STEVE.

To my one true love...
10:47PM on March 25, 2009

I should have had us build a time capsule and then buried it at my grandfathers grave.
Just so I could dig it up now and throw it in your face.
Should I get up from his bed and write you this song?
A song I have been singing for 4 and 4 years. Now 8.
It might be some type of cantankerous fate bomb going off.
I deserve that, and I know.
But you don’t deserve my precious melody.

No you aren’t some faultless God.
You are just as repulsive and fallible as the rest, you just prefer it hidden
Under those cold deceiving blue eyes.
I waited 7 whole months to give you that…
Showing off my twirl and scissor, dancing up more and more lies.
No not that time, as they weren’t faux courtesies.
No not that time.

Last night I sat laid there for hours wishing you were the one that cried.
If I could have anything it would be to give you this pain
That I have inside.
Laying there making up more and more lies.
Where does this man next to me lie?
His sick sad body makes me wish I could die.
This is not his pain that he has to endure.

It’s yours.
I wish you would have never touched me again.
You broke open all of those shells I had hidden in make believe castles.
I remember every look, song and broken promise
That I created in your name.
You took from me something I had saved up
For the next real thing.

I curse you for this.
May your days suffer and you kneel and kiss the feet
Of many an undesirable and commonplace hag.
I am remarkable and you will never live to love another
That possesses the prepossessing prowess, like mine.
No you were not brave to know your own lust
And thus left me riding on your dust.

Do you know me?
Perhaps you have forgotten all of our childish winters?
Choices I made I will never hold on high
Because I lost your Love almost with determination.
After all, I have always been a masochist.
Do you remember when I had nothing left
But insults that were obviously lies?

Blood was pooling at my feet from my
Self gratifying wounds and all I could do was try.
Effort spewed forth from my only orifice that I had not allowed
To be beaten and hushed.
And you laughed at my hysterical appearance out of shame,
For you and for me and maybe even what I had came to be.
But the fact is I begged you not to be broken.

Even in my poorest hour when I made my gravest mistake
I pleaded with you not to love her.
Even when I halted my selfishness and decided to stop dragging you along
On my own personalized ride through hell.
I knew what was to come.
It came to me in dreams many years before,
And I woke up choking on my morality, jealousy and eventually hate.

Phantoms of the past are what I live on.
Ideals and hopes that are locked in my mind
From the day I first lay in your bed while you still slept and made that point
To look around and remember.
Still you don’t deserve this song.
You now string me behind for sport
Don’t you?

Otherwise why would you have given in to feed
This dream, memory and taste still lingering at my lips?
Then go on to much more settled and humdrum waters.
I hate and love you in the same a terrible way.
You are not as oblivious as you would like to seem.
No, because I know you better than anyone
And one day you will ingest this suicide pill

Of lies I had became.

Cam Girls: Can I get a witness?
11:50PM on March 21, 2009

Seriously. WTF?!
Ok so basically I guess I am a “cam girl” even though I hate that term I do have to admit webcams are a huge part of my life and even my website. I have spy cams on me 24/7 and yes those are technically webcams. I also do interactive shows with my members for an hour every night, sometimes twice a night and I use different cam networks to do that. Some pay me and some do not but the money is good and the exposure is key.
On one of these networks, one that pays me they pay me $100 bucks to do my hour long members show and afterwards I have to do an hour of free chat/private shows. I suck extremely badly at getting these privates. When I did individual cam shows over yahoo on a regular basis I did EXTREMELY well but the show was planned and ordered before I would even open my cam. I didn’t do previews, the guys knew what I looked like which is why they contacted me in the first place. I still do these a few times a week but instead of hanging out on yahoo like I used to and taking shows I USUALLY have the person schedule the show AND pay for it 24 hrs to a week in advance.
The difference is that on this network/site I am just sitting there on cam while people come into my chat room see me and decide to go private or not. I have watched other girls in the free chat area and they totally are busting their asses wearing hardly anything and basically “working” for zero money, however this is what is expected. I will hang out in maybe a t-shirt and undies and chat and I guarantee I have %100 percent more entertaining conversation, I am hotter than most of these girls and (here comes my ego..) I am more intelligent than these girls but I get NO shows. I even do these chats like at half of the price I charge per minute for my regular scheduled shows on yahoo or msn or whatever as like a promotion.
I rarely get any shows because I don’t fucking flounce around in my undies… I mean isn’t the whole idea of a "show" centered around a slow and enticing strip tease? If I start in my damn underwear where is the mystery or the sex appeal in a slow sexy strip tease? Also these sites like this take more than half of your percentage that you are making per minute leaving you JACK and because of that I won’t offer any masturbation or toys shows. I am not going to plow my sensitive flower for fucking less than a buck per minute and the sad thing is that there poor girls from other countries WILL eagerly fist their own asses (I have SEEN it!) for this ungodly demeaningly low price. I just can’t do it.
People say I am standoffish and I turn guys off when I don’t giggle and oblige any and all requests that get thrown at me in these chat rooms or sometimes even in my site cam shows. I am NOT going to misrepresent myself. I built my site around my own interests and my real personality. I enjoy being an exhibitionist and showing off and guys drooling over me but I am not stupid, a whore or going to pretend that I am.
As you can probably notice, this is slowly driving me crazy. I am a smart fun and attractive girl but I guess that isn’t hot unless I pretend to be a cum guzzling whore with crumbs in her head. I do like doing really sexually “nasty” things like uh swallowing cum and being fucked in my ass and I will talk to you about it if you ask but I am NOT going to pretend I am being taken advantage of or that I am an idiot, it’s just not going to happen. If this makes me unmarketable then so be it. Fuck you; I do what I want when I want.

Lies
8:53PM on March 14, 2009

I was looking at your face last night while you were scolding me and noticing how much it has changed since the first time I had seen it.

To tell you the truth I think you are ugly inside and it’s starting to show on the out. Maybe if you stopped telling lies to yourself and the people who care about you, you would see that any strife you encounter is no ones fault but your own.

Maybe you should sit back and think for a minute about the issues you need to tackle inside of yourself and quit pointing fingers at the people around you. Maybe you should consider these people you surround yourself and certainly stop painting the kettle black.

You are not creative, interesting, special or attractive. No, instead you are just a sad sad little girl searching for something that is already dead and gone but you just can’t seem to let go. Well one day you’re going to realize that all the time and energy you put into your quest was in vain. You’ll wake up and have nothing to show for all the years you let yourself dwell in your own stupid pain.

Loss does not allow you to think you deserve something more than the rest of the world. Everyone has experienced it in one way or another. Most people are just mentally stable enough or at least medicated enough to go on with their lives or at the very least; pretend that they have.

You need to sit back and take a long hard look at your face and see how it has changed because you can’t just keep riding on the “gifts” you have convinced other people to see in you because they will eventually see that facade. You are nothing, no one and you look exactly like all the losers around you and you are so fucking stupid to realize it.

Maybe you should do something about it.

Make me fucking famous!
4:05PM on February 24, 2009

Ok so we all know that I work damn hard to promote myself and my site online right? Well the fact of the matter is there are millions of girls online doing this everyday. I like to think I am special because I have a ton of REAL talents that I use and have used to get where I am.

I have been blogging for quite some time before I even introduced my first photo on my blog showing what I really look like. I have some solid good looks but the fact of the matter is that to become well known you need good little boys and girls working for you to get you to the top.

This is where I decided to work on a project that I need all of you to help me with.

You can dedicate your life to helping or you can just throw in a little work in your spare time to help me become the big bright shining star that you all know me to be:)

There are tons of ways to help promote me and my site:
1. Make axxxxxxx, or other random social networking site group/fan club for me.
2. Find various contests around the internet and abroad for me to enter in for modeling, dancing, writing or any other skill that I may have and suggest them to me:xxxxxxxxxxx
3. Use my images that I post in various places like on my blogs orxxxxx to promote me by adding them to your xxxxx or other social networking profiles, blogs, forums, vlog, podcast or whatever... Just make sure you include a link to my site within your post!
4. Word of mouth goes a long way! If you can get 5 people to join my site within a month and have them email me atxxxxxxxxxx and say that you recommended them, then I will award you yourself with a free month to my site.

If you send me 20 members within a month I will award you with a 4 month pass to xxxxxxxxxxxx

50 members within a month you get 6 months access to xxxxxxxx

or 100 or more within a month and I will give you a full year pass! Anything beyond that and we can discuss your reward.

5. Don't have the time but have money to dedicate to making my site better or forwarding my online skills and knowledge?

The buy me anything off of this list:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is a list for my site. It contains software, books, hardware and other things that would help me become more adept at the technical work I do as well as help me offer YOU more in my online work.

6. Find me jobs that involve me modeling, writing a guest coloum, gogo dancing or whatever in my area or in yours if you find that I am visiting sometimes soon. Suggest me as a possible candidate for these types of jobs to friends you know in real life as well as offline.

7. Suggest other ways to me that will help me become more of a household name! I am all ears and I am willing to discuss what you will earn from me, whether you have a affinity for personalized photos, free passes to my site or even other even kinkier surprises such as my sihned undies or shoes!

Let's work together!
*ADMIN EDIT _ NO OFFSITE LINKS PLEASE*

Beauty Q's for the Gals and Gals at heart!
3:16PM on February 09, 2009

Lately after touching up a set a pictures that I took in October I realized my skin is aging hard and fast (probably due to alcohol abuse) and I decided to make some changes from my usual wash with water only and moisturize, make-up and never washing it off at night routine.

Let it be known that my beauty routine is now as follows:

1. Exfoliate with a facial scrub
2. Tone with witch hazel
3. Rub in StriVectin-SD thoroughly (This is new! I just bought this nearly $200 wrinkle cream last week!) I let this settle in
4. Apply vitamin E oil under eyes, lips, forehead, and smile lines first then rub in all over. Let sink in.
5. Apply moisturizer in the form of jergens natural glow firming formula and let sink in.
6. I apply a very heavy off brand facial moisturizer that is supposedly brightening with the help of pearl extract under my eyes liberally. Like you can still see it and I let is sink in all the way.

This stuff has horse fat in it. I have no idea where it came from because I found it at my grandma’s house but it tends to work. After I am out of it I plan on buying an actual under eye cream for really horrible circles. Suggestions on what to buy?

7. Apply Revlon Age Defying foundation primer and let dry.
8. Apply Olay Definity Color Recapture. This is a spf 15 anti aging moisturizer with a very sheer and illuminating coverage. I add a bit more under my eyes and let sink in and “dry”.
9. Cover under eye circles with this stuff:
http://www.physiciansformula.com/en-us/productdetail/face/concealers/02725.html
This is supposed to lessen the circles under your eyes over time and I swore I noticed a slight difference at first but not really at this point.
10. If I am doing photos or an event I use Bare Minerals foundation if not I simply put my blush and eye stuff on and dust with a light powder. I have been using the new bare minerals feather light mineral veil but I am not exactly the most happy with it.

My questions are as follows:

1. Is it BAD to exfoliate daily? I like to because I think it keeps dead cells from building up and weathering fine lines into my face and keeps my face fresh and clean so it absorbs my moisturizers, creams and serums better.

2. I have been using the feather light mineral veil but it’s so SHINY. I bought it because I read that illuminating products diffuse light and make your face look less aged but this is so shiny that to me it looks like it highlights any sinking or lines in my face. I think it would be better used as a highlighter in specific areas after powdering all over.

What is a good loose powder that isn’t really heavy and too chalky or matte but also that’s not TOO shiny or illuminating. Something that has a natural skin like finish? I would prefer drugstore brands so I can get it sooner than later but more expensive recommendations are welcome as well.

3. I recently bought StriVectin which was originally developed as a stretch mark cream. Do you think this would work on scars? Do you have any other suggestions on what to use on scars that really works? Price is not an issue with this as I would try anything to get rid of these cutting marks I have.

4. Is Strive tin a long term wrinkle cure or is It something that only works while it’s on so I would need to buy it pretty much forever? I will say this shit is AMAZING and I have only used it maybe 5 times and I have noticed a HUGE difference already.

Thanks for all of your help and suggestions in advance!

Why I am no longer apart of the burlesque troupe...
9:56PM on January 21, 2009

So everyone keeps asking what happened with me and the burlesque troupe and I have wanted to address this for quite a few days now, but the fact is I haven’t had the emotional energy to do so until now. I am really hurt over this and I feel betrayed by people that are who I considered to be my friends. I guess I am going to tackle this in three organized sections first being why I am upset and what I put into being with the troupe. Second being why Heather decided to let me go and the third I will post the email of which I sent to Heather via myspace after all of this happened to which there has been no reply.

First of all I have offered up a lot of myself to this troupe monetarily for my costume and supplies, time for my expertise in coding and marketing as well as my organizational skills. There have been times in the past of which I have been very flakey but it was really a goal of mine this year to do more and to dedicate more of myself to other causes, this being one of them.

As you all know I recently went to Vegas to attend an internet convention on the adult internet industry. This was a great opportunity for me as I was able to market myself and my site and skills to others in the industry as well as gain valuable knowledge in my field of work. It was a flipping amazing learning and marketing experience. But upon going I needed to update my business card and it was said at one of our burlesque meetings that we should all get a business card that describes our talents and contains info on our Burlesque persona. Mine is “Sake Tsunami” an Asian artist and sex worker/performer. I included the info about her on my business card and had a ton of people asking about more info on my performances and troupe and I was able to point them to our myspace page. This generated a lot of interest in myself and the group not to mentions cost me quite a penny to get the card printed out glossy as was the standard that the troupe decided upon. I am the only one to date that has created and paid for business card to be given out to create a stir and interest in our group. Money spent. Case and point.

Second with my technical website building know how I spent a lot of time working on creating our myspace profile and marketing that and our shows. I have a bit of “internet fame” under my belt and I used that to make hundreds of myspace bulletin posts, forum posts, blog posts (on my various blogs all over the internet), and I sent out emails to personal fans and site members as well as mentioning the show in my you tube posts. I had 30-50 fans coming in from out of town in surrounding areas to see me perform at the first performance. This does NOT include the amount of interest I raised amongst people that actually live in town.

White I was out of town I was asked about how to make certain changes to the myspace site to add more performers bios and profile pics. I didn’t have the time to explain this so I simply said get me the photos that you want cropped and the bios. For some reason I was not consulted again and shit was added to the profile that had no spaces or dividers and the photos were way to big for the page. I fixed this but was obviously pissed when I had offered up my services even when I was out of town…

There has been hundreds of dollars spent on my performance costume as well as HOURS spent by me on my routine itself. I am meticulous about my choreography and it really takes me being able to zone the fuck out and really work to create a piece I can stand behind. Dance is sacred to me. I spent time in Vegas when I should have been schmoozing with other industry professionals up in my hotel room working on small bits of my routine.

And lastly I booked the band that is playing with them at the first performance and spent a lot of time taking meeting notes and keeping track of these minutes and sending out notices via email to performers in the group during and after many of our meetings.

Now to why Heather decided all on her own to throw me out of the troupe;

While I was in Vegas I received an email from her asking me why I didn’t tell her I was going to miss the two practices that weekend. Um, she knew before anyone what dates I was going to be out of town because I INVITED HER TO COME WITH ME to market herself as a model. So anyhow, I missed those practices but while I was in Vegas I spent time fixing her mistakes on the myspace profile, marketing our performances and troupe as well as working on my routine itself.

When I returned from Vegas she alerted me on Friday that we had a daytime practice on Saturday at 3pm. I had already had plans to run errands with my grandma to get my birth control and anti depressants, get pet food, and catch up on random business stuffs that I had gotten behind on while being out of town. I alerted her of this via email and she didn’t get back with me about it in anyway yet bitched to my friend about how I was missing yet another practice. I don’t drive so when I make plans to do something like run errands with my grandma especially for things I need like food and my birth control and such. I have to stick to those plans!

I also wrote her and told her that during the last night of my trip my adderal was stolen and because it’s a controlled and scheduled substance I wouldn’t be able to get anymore until after the 21st.Well on that Sunday we had plans to shoot promo photos of us as a group. I was up the entire night on Saturday completely sober and not able to rest because not having my adderal had fucked up my schedule so bad I couldn’t sleep and I decided I just would skip out on the photos and I would call her in the morning to explain what the deal was. I called at 8am to no answer after finally falling asleep. At 9 or so I got a call from my friend Dawn who I got in the troupe in the first place telling me that the photos were now considered mandatory and if I didn’t come I would be thrown out. I was disgusted at her not fighting for me and allowing this to happen but I asked to speak to Heather to whom God knows who gave the right to make this decision but was put on the phone with someone else who hung up on me before I had a chance to tell them my outfit for my character wasn’t even here and I had jack to wear for the photo’s in the first place and that I also had separate plans to shoot my characters promotional photos with Mike next weekend (which I still plan on doing).

I figured as I was totally passing out again that she would call me back later and say that she was out of line and sorry about what she said yet she was mad I had not come when there was so much care put into planning those photos. I felt sincerely bad I couldn’t make it but if I would have gone I would have looked like a drunken (from being so tired) moose without jack to wear to show my character was even Asian! But there was no call. I got up and read an email from her saying it sucks I “bailed” on the photos and I must obviously not have the time to be in the troupe and would be better off uninvolved and she would be taking over the myspace page I WAS ASKED to create for the troupe. I tried calling her to discuss this and there was no answer or call back so I deleted the fucking profile. I didn’t think it was fair to allow someone who didn’t have the decency to face me over the phone at least to use all of my hard work to promote themselves on something they unwisely threw me out of.

And now I will post the email that I sent her after doing this to which has still gotten no response so if my explaining seems spotty may clear you up on anything else I may have missed. I think it was rather nice of me and I wanted to obviously be a bitch and say shit I would regret but the thing is I still want to reconcile our differences if for nothing else to be cool and not have bad blood between us. I want to know your guys opinion of this note as well. Does it seem rude or cruel? Do I seem out of line?

Heather-

So I tried to call you just now but there was no answer. I'm glad you guys had a nice shoot today. I don't think it's fair in the least that you are kicking me out of the troupe based on the fact that I have been out of town doing work that I actually invited you to do with me in the first place, thus alerting you way before anyone else of what dates I would be gone.

I don't know if you really understand anything about medication but especially with controlled substances you become in essence addicted to them and without them cannot function. I just woke up right before I stumbled to the phone to call you. Without my adderal I cannot control the amount of sleep I have or the times when I will be sleeping. I was up all night last night fretting about the shoot when at 5am or so I decided I can't worry about it anymore and that I would just call you guys in the morning and tell you I can't make it.

As for the practices I have missed you knew I would be missing those before I left and when I returned I had things to do to catch back up on things happening here with my business and personal life and I had plans to run those errands on Saturday. I didn't even hear about a practice on that day until you emailed me about it the day before. When you alert someone last minute of something you can't expect them to drop what it is they have to do and show up.

While I was out of town you asked me to explain how I did the photo cropping and editing on the myspace page. I didn't have time to do that at that moment so I asked you to just get me the photos that needed to be cropped and bios and I would put them up while I was still in Vegas. You neglected to do that for whatever reason and put up bios and photos that totally disturbed the flow of the page that I WAS ASKED to create for the troupe. I was pissed about that but I fixed it without saying anything.

You asked me in your last email to transfer over the account. I deleted it. Point blank. You didn't answer my phone call to discuss it with you, you didn't discuss your decision to throw me out of the troupe this morning with me and your friend Brandy hung up on me mid-sentence... I am not allowing someone to use my work that doesn't have basic respect for me. I think you will understand that. And if you possess the skills to do the page on your own or have saved the html coding then you can get up another page without a problem so I am not worried about that.

I don't appreciate you throwing me out without having a vote on the matter especially without explaining the fact that you knew exactly when I was leaving town or the problem with my meds being stolen. This is not an issue of reliability but an issue of you having some type of control problem with sharing responsibilities with your fellow troupe mates on making decisions and taking care of things that need to be done.

If you would have spoke to me this morning I would have explained to you that at the last meeting I attended you made it clear that whoever couldn't make it to the photo shoot simply wouldn't be in the promo photo and that's it. Also you would have found out I had specific plans to have my own character photographed next weekend with Mike because the costume pieces that I ordered for the performance haven't arrived yet and I basically had nothing to wear for today in the first place.

So I wish you guys all the luck and if you wish to discuss this I will certainly answer the phone if I am here when you call or return your call if you leave a message when I get back home.

Jess

No!
5:46AM on January 18, 2009

I am awake and silent. There is someone that I think I may well know sleeping soundly behind me. My key board has a high pitched “click”. I always end up with noisy laptops like these.

I can’t sleep a wink and there is something very unpleasant that I have to do in the morning. I didn’t want to take pictures for you. On YOUR dime. That is something I generally do only on my time when the light hits a specific way. And I rise.

I was in Vegas all week making love and business contacts. What were you doing? I haven’t had the time I usually use to spend on this or that and of course that means I must get caught up. You aren’t making it very easy you know? I had my adderal stolen or perhaps I simply lost it. I insist however, that it was stolen.

Because of this I slept all day and can’t rest now. This may mean I will miss taking the very photo’s I have no intention of taking in the first place. But I want the opportunity to do and feel new things. So why do I retreat when the images become rough or unflattering? Because I lie in a basin of endless façade. I am a broken image now.

Are you breathing still? I can’t hear and I should worry. Instead I consider doing that old late night thing and cooking up a four course meal just to hate myself in the morning. Yeah that’s something I do.

My alarm is set for 2 and a half hours from now. Will I wake or will I shove off this horrible responsibility? I just don’t see why everything has to be such a damn obstacle. I have things to do that I am not doing and I am fretting over something I have no intentions of doing.

Me.
11:21PM on October 24, 2008

5 years ago someone asked me where I thought I would be in the next 5 years.

I’m pretty sure I was honest and said nothing, to which they responded with a tired sigh. I could have imagined this whole thing though, and that would probably be just as valid as it actually happening in a tangible world.

I don’t do much but I am closer to seeing the truth. And the only truth that’s worth a damn is my personal truth. To be able to be completely honest with myself about my motivations for the actions I haphazardly take. Daily. Nightly.

Sometimes, in the midst of the most chaotic setting I am sitting back in my seat plotting and arranging. We all do it, to some degree. But no one does it as bestest as me. I drop hints like flyers to attract what I need and no one seems to care enough to punish me.

Well I take that back. I am constantly being grounded by my inner parent-like god concept. If you would notice, and I am sure you can… I happen to be extremely self destructive by my nature. You should see me these days. I never thought that hard living would actually make me so haggard but I am constantly in a state of disease. I crumble and slowly vanish like a lost whale species.

A festering dream that could have, should have, failed to come to be. When I scream at you, girl… I’m really just screaming at me. Is this world just a macrocosm of the microcosm my past self has set out to be? Everyone an extension of myself, an echo, a laugh, a shadow of the dangerous urges pumping, thumping through me.

I know these sad and empty vengeful faces. I know what they see. I know they hate and love and sometimes scold themselves like little bitty old me. OLD. I can’t get away with this much longer especially because my inner self is starting to converse with the debaucherous side of me. Being innocent is just as bad as being filthy.

I don’t have many friends that think to call me much. But I should shut the fuck up and be thankful for the ones that I do have. I just never made the connections like other people. I always hid behind him, or you, or maybe just what they thought I should be. Now I can’t break that cycle.

I’m an unreliable, passionate, nostalgic, loving, hating, drunk, over weight, underweight, ethnic, devoid of color, dancing, laughing, crying, cutting, stunning, masking, asking, fucking, hiding, sighing, building, breaking, ruining, taking, playing, reflecting, wrecking, making, painting, shaking, modeling, posing, forgetting, knowing, lying, prying, holding onto, jumping off of, talking shit about, being content without, getting control of, taking advantage of, selling, dancing, laughing, crying, cutting me.

for mommy dearest
6:05PM on September 16, 2008

Some things can only be said the moment when they arise from the psyche. Other ponderings are best explored over and over and sometimes guided through with the help of some sort of over (and sometimes under) paid professional.

Questions pop up and out in an un-linear fashion preparing conundrums for it’s wonderer.

1. How many patients have you had that have committed suicide?

There is no such thing as “linear” in my world. In my brain all I have come to find is an endless cyclone of various matter picked up along my journey in a chaotic fashion. Nothing has been planned, it just is.

This may not make any type of sense for the person reading this so I invite you to take from it what you will but beg of you not to make any assumptions or pretend that you know where (in my case, at least) this is all coming from.

Lately I have been exploring the possibility of many natural and super natural ideas of where I have come from, and why. Thus it begins:

In the beginning… I knew far too much. Was this a product of intelligence, abuse, prior life/lives? Or was/am I something of a mixture of those things and possibly more ideas that I cannot uncover just yet?

I was abused as a child but as far as I know it wasn’t in a sexual manner, although my behavior suggests differently.

No I was mentally and physically beaten over and over in a cycle. I could smell the fucking cycle in my mother’s house. How close were we to another crash of lightning and un-forsaken tears? I prayed for adulthood so that I could choose to do as I pleased.

No more forced meals, mother dearest. No more cleaning the same fucking spot over and over just to be told it’s still dirty… Like me the child born from her own personal filth. Guilt.

I think it’s possible she hated me and if I were her I would have hated me too. No one should have children at 17. No one with a cocaine habit to chase away their own inner demons that were born out of incidents I have only been lucky enough to pick up small glimpses of.
Here and there like the remnants of a boring old puzzle that has been lost in the backs of dusty closets… While the bulk of them, or the box carrying the rest of the image has long been thrown away.

I could never HAVE anything, for that woman would smash it all and in front of me. I could never leave and explore real youth since she had ruined her own. She had it out for me.
After all of the broken promises, lies, busted lips, lost nick knacks and finally abandonment… She asked me, “Would you rather I move back there? With you?”

With WHO? I am not anyone for you to be concerned with and you aren’t. You are only embarrassed of your little sex working daughter. Gosh to think if your friends knew! And the friends of yours that knew me, expected it. How do they not know how evil you are?

At 4, 8, 11, 19 and every year in between you hated me. You would hate me with your words, your fists and with every attempt I made, you scoffed at it like it was just a poor silly old character in a children’s book or on TV that was made… was written to laugh at.

You cut me down so many times I thought I was 2 inches tall. You said I couldn’t write, couldn’t compete, couldn’t sing. Did you know those were the only things that made me, ME? You took them away. Just like the stacks of papers, gifts, clothes, creations, pictures, that you literally threw away. Were you trying to keep me down so I didn’t rise above you, mother dearest?

I don’t even know you, woman. So why the hell would I want you near me?

A woman that toted me along before I could walk on my own to places, to people, to situations that you allowed to sacrifice my over all wellbeing. I can’t even remember all of them, and I am not so sure that I should. I knew far too much then as I do now but then I kept my mouth shut when I should have shouted.

You shaved my head and made me a warrior though all my strife that I took from you. I took the same abuse at school but I am positive that was your plan as well. Every student, teacher and stranger thought I was a little boy so I became him. That self medicating little weak boy that stuffed his face full of cakes and other delights to forget for one second he was a he and not a she as divinely planned.

Of course this made for even more hatred from you, from the world. I wanted to die as young as ten. Constantly I was compared to prettier daughters from crazier mothers. My grandmother, the one who named me Veronica… she wanted me to be a model like them. Like you mommy dearest.

But no you let it be known that child models didn’t have saddlebags, crooked teeth, or mismatched eyes. Thank you for putting me back in my place once again. Then. At ten.

Maybe you knew the pain of “pretty”. Maybe you striped me of my womanhood (sequins and all) to make me good. To shelter me of what a pretty girl gets from her society. From being made a little adult woman all too soon. Like you.

But I’m not done, Mother dearest. No, not yet… I’ve still yet things to gain and people to do, with this “pretty” little dress on and with a joyfully disguised face full of paint. I will never be like you.Some things can only be said the moment when they arise from the psyche. Other ponderings are best explored over and over and sometimes guided through with the help of some sort of over (and sometimes under) paid professional.

Questions pop up and out in an un-linear fashion preparing conundrums for it’s wonderer.

1. How many patients have you had that have committed suicide?

There is no such thing as “linear” in my world. In my brain all I have come to find is an endless cyclone of various matter picked up along my journey in a chaotic fashion. Nothing has been planned, it just is.

This may not make any type of sense for the person reading this so I invite you to take from it what you will but beg of you not to make any assumptions or pretend that you know where (in my case, at least) this is all coming from.

Lately I have been exploring the possibility of many natural and super natural ideas of where I have come from, and why. Thus it begins:

In the beginning… I knew far too much. Was this a product of intelligence, abuse, prior life/lives? Or was/am I something of a mixture of those things and possibly more ideas that I cannot uncover just yet?

I was abused as a child but as far as I know it wasn’t in a sexual manner, although my behavior suggests differently.

No I was mentally and physically beaten over and over in a cycle. I could smell the fucking cycle in my mother’s house. How close were we to another crash of lightning and un-forsaken tears? I prayed for adulthood so that I could choose to do as I pleased.

No more forced meals, mother dearest. No more cleaning the same fucking spot over and over just to be told it’s still dirty… Like me the child born from her own personal filth. Guilt.

I think it’s possible she hated me and if I were her I would have hated me too. No one should have children at 17. No one with a cocaine habit to chase away their own inner demons that were born out of incidents I have only been lucky enough to pick up small glimpses of.
Here and there like the remnants of a boring old puzzle that has been lost in the backs of dusty closets… While the bulk of them, or the box carrying the rest of the image has long been thrown away.

I could never HAVE anything, for that woman would smash it all and in front of me. I could never leave and explore real youth since she had ruined her own. She had it out for me.
After all of the broken promises, lies, busted lips, lost nick knacks and finally abandonment… She asked me, “Would you rather I move back there? With you?”

With WHO? I am not anyone for you to be concerned with and you aren’t. You are only embarrassed of your little sex working daughter. Gosh to think if your friends knew! And the friends of yours that knew me, expected it. How do they not know how evil you are?

At 4, 8, 11, 19 and every year in between you hated me. You would hate me with your words, your fists and with every attempt I made, you scoffed at it like it was just a poor silly old character in a children’s book or on TV that was made… was written to laugh at.

You cut me down so many times I thought I was 2 inches tall. You said I couldn’t write, couldn’t compete, couldn’t sing. Did you know those were the only things that made me, ME? You took them away. Just like the stacks of papers, gifts, clothes, creations, pictures, that you literally threw away. Were you trying to keep me down so I didn’t rise above you, mother dearest?

I don’t even know you, woman. So why the hell would I want you near me?

A woman that toted me along before I could walk on my own to places, to people, to situations that you allowed to sacrifice my over all wellbeing. I can’t even remember all of them, and I am not so sure that I should. I knew far too much then as I do now but then I kept my mouth shut when I should have shouted.

You shaved my head and made me a warrior though all my strife that I took from you. I took the same abuse at school but I am positive that was your plan as well. Every student, teacher and stranger thought I was a little boy so I became him. That self medicating little weak boy that stuffed his face full of cakes and other delights to forget for one second he was a he and not a she as divinely planned.

Of course this made for even more hatred from you, from the world. I wanted to die as young as ten. Constantly I was compared to prettier daughters from crazier mothers. My grandmother, the one who named me Veronica… she wanted me to be a model like them. Like you mommy dearest.

But no you let it be known that child models didn’t have saddlebags, crooked teeth, or mismatched eyes. Thank you for putting me back in my place once again. Then. At ten.

Maybe you knew the pain of “pretty”. Maybe you striped me of my womanhood (sequins and all) to make me good. To shelter me of what a pretty girl gets from her society. From being made a little adult woman all too soon. Like you.

But I’m not done, Mother dearest. No, not yet… I’ve still yet things to gain and people to do, with this “pretty” little dress on and with a joyfully disguised face full of paint. I will never be like you.

little black white girl
9:36AM on August 20, 2008

I need to write a blog entry so badly it’s nauseating. I may also need to warn you I am out of my ADD medicine so don’t expect me to linger around on one subject for too long before I get… pulled off by another unruly tangent.

Already I am getting sucked into this fucking Sex and The City bullcrap on TV. I am so easily distracted, are you? I can’t help but get side tracked when I try to do anything in life which is why I probably don’t stay with the same life plan, each time I recreate myself… or with the same hair color for that matter.

Today I got two pairs of pants in the mail off of my Amazon clothing wish list. They rule. The first are some black slacks that I was in dire need of since I never have nice pants and also some really effing cool bell bottom jeans.
<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v153/Clubmix1996/?action=view&current=blackslacks.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v153/Clubmix1996/blackslacks.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v153/Clubmix1996/?action=view&current=bells.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v153/Clubmix1996/bells.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
Now I can go out and have nice time in fancy black pants! Well decent pants.

Someone drown me in a pool of shallow piss.

I can’t sleep and it’s 7 am on the nose somehow and all I can do it think about how I am not writing “this down.”

I got up out of bed to find that my dear dog had gotten into my pancake syrup and spilled it ALL OVER my bedroom in random spots centered around the doorway. These sticky splashes are now collecting massive amounts of all kinds of dog cat and human hair my house has to offer.

I write maybe one real blog entry a month now. I wonder how that quotient ends up equaling out to when you add in the various amounts of spoken word/video bullshit blog posts I make a month as well.

Today I basically sat around fixing the physical evidence of past fails while sitting on my ass watching various episodes of The Boondocks, Home Improvement and a particularly interesting episode of the Tyra Show.

This episode had to deal with the various shades we strong black sisters share within our sisterhood. To catch up any newcomers that may not be in the know; I am in fact a black woman and being so I Identify myself as such.

This episode I was so fond of dealt with the issue of how we as a black American society tend to bicker, play favorites, discourage, encourage, project judgment on one another based on our shade whether it be pinkish tan, chocolate, black as tar or high yellow.

I realize that by discussing this issue and its place in MY OWN LIFE as a woman of color, I could be scrutinized by those that don’t understand my position or agree with my stance on this topic. Because of this I want to say that if I need to be corrected in any respect or commended or if YOU YOURSELF have a say/view that needs to be heard PLEASE POST IT as a comment or email me about it at my personal email address:
undressjess@gmail.com

With this said I now reprise to share my experiences within the matter.

Growing up as an extremely light tan skinned individual I have experienced racism and prejudices on both sides of the spectrum. First of course as children we have no sense of what color or is or what it means. And for that period we are lucky. But it wasn’t long before there was another black little boy in my prekindergarden class at my private white bread elementary school.

I of course had and have been raised in a black family with little to zero ties to the white side of my creation. So to me I really didn’t see why people would stare at me and my great grandmother at the shoe store and whisper to each other, “She must be baby sitting.”

In her neighborhood growing up it was a predominantly black neighborhood; I went to a Southern Baptist Black church, everyone in my close to extended family was one of the many juicy and rich shades of mahogany, honey brown or deep chocolate. Seeing a little boy like this when all of my earliest childhoods experiences were that of other black children and adults just felt like an extension of my home world into my alienated school life.

I asked my cousin, what does it mean when they called Peter “a black”? She smacked my mouth and told me to never say that word again, call him “brown” if I need to point out his differences from me or the other kids at all in the first place. Pointing at people that are different than you is “rude.”

This is when I realized I was regarded as being inherently different than my other black peers or even my family.

My family could joke about various racial slurs with each other but if I repeated them thinking I would get the same gut laughs out of them I was scolded and if I stood up for Peter or other children of other races by informing my peers that we are all the same under our skin (and I know cause I am a black kid too!) I was laughed at, mocked, even one girl in particular that terrorized me in elementary school told me I was making my dark roots up as I went along because I wanted to “fit in”. (Side note: This is after of course my Mother ripped me out of my comfortable full ride scholarship paid for, special and exclusive white elementary palace and threw me into the inner city elementary that was closer to her so the bus could take me to school as she had just moved out of my grandmother’s house [her mom] and we were so dirt poor she didn’t have a car to export me across town twice a day. Bitch.)

Looking back on it seeing as the only talent I showed at the time was artistic, and private schools don’t seem to be so keen on giving 5 to 7 year old dirt poor girls full scholarships for “artistic talent”, I bet I got that fucking scholarship because my family is and I have always been known by the government as “black”. Even in college I got special scholarships and other crap because I am recognized by the system as black. My equal opportunity guilt is entirely another entire conversation however, that I am not yet ready to have with myself, my therapist or let alone you, the world so I’ll skip my opinions, fears and praises to this topic all together for the sake of the subject at hand.

Yeah so this girl… Michelle was her name. She went to the inner city school and was pretty, had the cutest coolest boyfriend, prettiest clothes and friends, highest grades and low and behold she was also MIXED! We were even born on the same fucking day and seeing as how we were born in raised in the same town I often wonder if she was born on the fucking gurney next to me at the same hospital as I. Rivals at birth.

She constantly would do shit like hold up her arm and recite, “See this everyone; this is what MIXED looks like. Jessica’s lying to get you guys to think she is cool, look how WHITE she is!” Luckily I later saw this girl in beauty school and she was about 300 pounds heavy and in BEAUTY SCHOOL. I felt like God answered my prayers.

Of course I over compensated for this for a large portion of my life thinking if I could just somehow get “blacker” I would be able to sit at the table with Michelle and her other cool black friends. So in my ignorance I would only speak in stupid Ebonics and reciting rap songs and wearing the latest hip hop styled fashions thinking if people heard me talk or saw me in my cool threads they might know I am in fact “one of them”.

I realize how retarded that sounds now and I am thoroughly ashamed of these actions but at least I heard (on the recent Tyra show) that it seems to be a common thing among girls that are lighter toned black women to “turn it on” like this in order to be accepted as one of the group.

Girls automatically hated me saying I wasn’t as cute as I thought I was (as if in all of my insecurities I actually had the nerve to believe that), I was lying, I was adopted, my mother or father must be mixed because there is no possible way I could actually be mixed myself. Nope. Never. Too white.

Then Mother dearest jumped up and moved me from this inner city school all the way out to the boondocks of an actual place called “Yankeetown” where I switched primary schools and was the sorest thumb of them all.

Here I come being this TuPac blasting, baggy jeans only wearing, strictly BET program watching, hood rat wanna-be poor girl to being thrust into an environment of half hillbillies and the other half being somewhat wealthy white kids with both having racist mothers, fathers, or grand parents.

Some kids immediately liked me because I was “different” and the kind of kid they saw on TV, and trust me these children were few and far between and by all means were the hugest dorks of all. Most of these little girls wanted to know why my hair was so DARK and FRIZZY. Yes this bitch actually asked me that. While I had attained a sort of weird popularity from my super strange presence at my inner city school going from being the little falsely-accused-of-being-white wimpy girl to the next Mariah Carey to being a fucking troll doll again.

At this point I had never seen anything on MTV cause it wasn’t gangsta enough for my tastes to being stuffed in suburb who’s television company didn’t even offer BET as a channel because the black demographic was severely lacking and NOW being in school on Martin Luther King day. WTF.

Most of the girls thought I was weird; number one because I didn’t grow up with them and having new students at their school was like unheard of since there moms and dads lived in the same houses as the one their parents bought them to live in on their wedding days.

When these lovely dear children saw my Mommy dearest showing up or NOT showing up to PTA (because you know she actually worked which was totally weird and unlike the other mothers) in torn jeans, booty shorts, stained t-shirts and wearing a nose hoop… fingers started pointing and N words were heard flying from their deer parents.

I was SOOO BLACK at this school I seriously needed to stop going out in the sun for fear I would just blacken up like Cajun catfish and crisp into dust. Ok not really but this is how I fucking felt, Ok?

Then once again when I reached a somewhat comfortable position as a now chubby and all TOO black little white girl in an all American rural world that seemed to be ever existing within a time period of racial segregation and hate, you seriously won’t even guess what fucking happened next… You can’t even fathom.

contest results
10:27PM on July 10, 2008

I just wanted everyone to know that I did lose the contest at
I only lost because of 11 points but it was still really fun to participate and I wanted to thank everyone that took time out of thier days to vote for me. It really means a lot to me that you guys help out by voting for me when I am in various contests. I also wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate you guys staying positive and not leaving negative comments towards other contestants as some voters for those other gals did to me. Negativity like that really shows how ignorant some people can be when the girls in the contest are just trying to have a little fun, so yeah thanks for not leaving crappy cut downs directed at the other gals in your vote comments.

You can see the contest results here:
*NO OFFSITE LINKS PLEASE*

forced
7:02AM on June 30, 2008

I can’t ever sleep anymore and not yet have I discovered if it’s on the account of the drugs or my deafening inpatients from the not knowing.



The tv is getting it daily exercise. Turn off. Turn on. Always on mute. The moving light keeps me company while I soak in the semi silence of most uneventful nights.



My carpet is looking fucking horrible, I’ll hope you have the decency to rent a carpet cleaner with your first check and help clean up this mess you made.



I scrubbed for hours but the cuts just get deeper and I keep wondering what it is I used to put them there in the first place. Oh yeah…



Finally I am realizing that living in a “My Name is Earl” world isn’t so bad. It fact it’s pretty much a dream come true. I am pretty proud of some things that have been pumped out of this little area lately. It means more to make something out of nothing anyways.



I don’t type at a 4/4 beat and I never danced in complete sentences.

Come to think of it, I’m probably not playing with a full deck.

i enjoy your smoldering good looks and you enjoy my musky little cave i call my vagina.
1:57PM on June 29, 2008


I'm not sure if you are aware of this but in my heart I house a tiny hotel, much like my actual place that I keep somewhere on reality's super highway we call "the ville." I get a lot of tenants stopping through but none want to invest in the property they piss all over and call "theirs". If I were a moble home, my mileage would be maxed out and I would be tucked away and rotting on someone's property hidden out in the boondocks of Southern Indiana.

When I was 15 I sold my soul to the devil like many great blues carriers of the past. I just wanted someone to look twice. I am an ill-bread rape victim hiding in what could be best called "a fixer upper". I ain't no prize to behold but I won't let that stop me from tricking you into believing otherwise.

I'm all alone damn it, and a failure at the only thing that made me happy. Maybe I should attempt to refresh my contract and request to change the premises.

I've been staring at a shiny poster of Marilyn Monroe all night wondering if that is in fact my destiny. If only I were so lucky… Still only a baby and already damaged goods.

I used to believe in Karma but have been re-evaluating this theory for a few years now. At this point the idea of Karma is much like buying real estate up in heaven… or even hell.

I've left everyone in this world that has truly loved me, or maybe I am just gullible to think they actually could. I mean, how can you love a withered down cold stone?

The moral of this story is: I'm just a convenient little stop on the way back to the mother ship. Enjoy the tire tracks all up and down my back… yard. Come on, I live in Indiana.

Vanity is ever present and takes on several forms. Like the Devil himself. And this I know…

For the Bible tells me so.

Thanks for stopping by, and please don't forget your shit infested shoes on the front porch.

win or lose
7:19PM on June 22, 2008

Yo dudes and dudettes. I haven’t written in awhile. This week and the past say ummmm yeah this whole year has been incredibly emotionally trying for me. My heart has been touched, smashed, caressed, fucked, pissed on, pounded in and now it’s just a cracked and empty shell.

Anymore these days I really just can’t expect people to be REAL. I mean, they say one thing to your face but then do something completely different when you aren’t around. You say this is who you are to me and your actions prove otherwise and it makes me so angry I could fucking stab someone. Why can’t everyone just be real? Maybe they are being real and maybe there are just alternative realities? I sincerely give up on everyone from this day forward.

Also I wanted to remind everyone that my Sunday member chat is tonight at 10pm CST so make sure you are there  at that time so you don’t miss out!

vote for me to win a trip to cali and a modeling gig!
1:33AM on June 13, 2008

I am watching that dance crew show on MTV. I had no fucking clue that dance crews were so popular! I am jealous man… I want my own dance crew, you know other than the fact I can’t fucking perform hip hop dance if my life depended on it. My dance crew would have to be back up by live musicians and include chants like the Go! Team to satisfy me.

I just accidentally located my long lost secret blog that I haven’t touched since 2005. It’s pretty sad if I say so myself.no spamming please
OH! I am in a little beauty contest to be a model on a website for which I will get to fly out to sunny Southern California and take creepy and sexy zombie pin-up photos for this awesome upcoming alternative porn site. I would really appreciate you guys doing your best to vote for me (contestant #2, you HAVE to type it like “#2“) EVERYDAY but posting a vote on the contest page, which is found here:
ALL you have to do is leave a comment saying that contestant #2 is the hottest of them all!
No need to be a actual member of the site!
You must be 18 to vote.
You can vote for me once a day and tell your friends to vote for me as well!

I'll be reposting this as a reminder in a number of areas until the contest is over so don't get mad!
Get Glad!

confess yur SINZ 2 gawd!
8:42PM on June 05, 2008

Have you guys seen that show “A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila”? I am like addicted to it. This woman is like the ultimate bratty princess BITCH. On the show show she has boy and girl contestants fighting for a chance to date her and to make them show their dedication she has made them get her name tattooed on them, walk on glass, sip a gallon of hotdogs on buns with ketchup and mustard through a straw that has been blended in a blender and eat pig vaginas. She has done all of that and more. She is completely my evil bitch inspiration!

I have been talking a lot about TV lately. I get totally sucked in when I have the television on so I apologize for pushing the dumb box on you guys.

I had sort of a crappy day. I had a lot of really cool stuff happen and a lot of iffy/sad stuff as well. Well as you all know I had a list of things I wanted to get done but between video uploading, journal posting, forum posting and email answering I was like at the coffee shop for hours before I realized I wasn’t going to get all of my shit done. Actually I only got two things on my list done which is completely unacceptable!

While I was sitting at the coffee shop yesterday and during that time my ex Jay came in as well as Steve who isn’t my ex but is someone I had an interestingly turbulent romantic relationship with at one time. Jay walked in and assumed I was with Steve but I hadn’t even exchanged two words with him at that point. I however confronted him about him lying to me about staying the night with my best friend from high school, Breea who I begged him not to mess around with. I also warned that bitch not to fucking fuck around with Jay. I’m knocking her in the fucking head next time I see her.

Jay was so special to me. As much crazy shit that went on in our relationship it was still completely passionate and worth our while. I loved him and still love him very much. Of course now I realize that with his alcoholic behavior and my chaotic demeanor we can never truly have a successful future since we would probably end up like Sid and Nancy. I also want to point out that without being his woman I know I can’t REALLY say who he can and can’t date. But I’m still fucking pissed whether it’s rational or not. I’ll get over it I’m sure, it’s not like I have shit to worry about anyways… Breea can’t hold a relationship if her life depended on it anyways. She’s destined to be a lonely jaded old biddy just like her mom that has had 5 marriages.

But fuck that I am never talking to his stupid loser ass again, and her either after I either knock the shit out of her and scream at her for being such a fucking stupid bitch. She only even went out if her way to talk to him to piss me off anyways since I asked her not to. I asked her before anything even happened. Everyone thinks I am crazy but I CAN see the future and that shit pisses me off something horrible that NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME. They probably just think I am some raving crazy ass cat lady. Which I guess I am technically. Sometimes I just wish this soothsayer would just stop finding truth, at least with myself cause it only causes heartache in the long run.

Also I am upset and confused about Steve. SURE I KNOW I DON’T think his presence in my life is beneficial any longer. He only promotes drama and drives the people that are actually GOOD for me away. But the fact of the matter is that when you are so used to having someone around and you have shared so many good times with them, It’s hard to just break them off like it’s nothing. Sometimes it’s really hard to choose to do what’s best for you when it involves choosing to be alone.

Last night I missed Bruce’s going away get together. I told Kyle to stop by since I don’t have internet at my house yet since Jeb (my dog) pissed on my damn modem but I didn’t hear him come by. I guess it’s still possible that he did since I came home from the coffee shop and passed the fuck out. So he might have knocked and I just didn’t hear him but I doubt he was that thoughtful enough to come by at all. I’ll be glad when I get a fucking phone.

I’m going to try to lose ten pounds this month and get down to 115. I had a cellulite 30 day program ordered for me off of my wish list cause I saw it advertised on the Tyra show. Haha, that makes me a loser but fuck it, the girls that tried it out seemed to be impressed with it. It’s that nivia 30 day cellulite pack thing. I generally don’t fall for this stuff but I want to try it out. It comes with a muscle mass increasing dietary supplement, a cream and patches for trouble spots. I am also going to use the Jergen’s FIRMING natural body glow every other day for the month to test out the results with that too.

Other than just hoping these magical creams work I am also going to commit to doing yoga every single day for a month to help tighten up from the inside out. I MIGHT even take before and after pictures. Um yeah that’s a big MAYBE. I mean I’ll probably take them but I’ll most likely just go ahead and keep them to myself. I’ll let everyone know what day I start that program so you can all harass me to stay on task.

Oh and at the end of this month after I pay rent for the next I am going to go back vegan. I’m not going to claim to go vegan for the rest of my life or anything like that but I want to go back to eating vegan since pretty much this whole year I have been eating crappy low quality foods and I feel like it’s all built up and gross inside of me. I’ll probably need to do a toxin cleanse too, to make sure I get off to the nest start possible. Whenever I start the month thing I won’t trouble myself to start eating a vegan diet but I will make an effort to eat more natural/less processed foods.

Another thing I am really excited about is that I FINALLY have the rest of the supplies bought and coming in the mail (from my amazon wish list) to get my hair REALLY blonde. I have protein and hot oil treatments to attempt to combat some of the dryness and breaking that is sure to occur since I have already bleached it out once. But since I just have non-permanent color in my hair I really hope that the color stripper will be enough to break the bulk of it up and out so I don’t have to process the bleach on my hair very much at all.

I’m thinking about getting this little 7” portable laptop called an ASUS eee that’s on my wish list.  It comes preloaded with Linux and I was wondering if anyone knew if my webcams would work with that system? Will my Zune software work with it?

I’m watching Saved by the Bell now. Whatever happened to that Lisa girl? And what about Zach? What the hell are those kids up to these days? The one girl has that dance show on Bravo and the jockey buttface guy hosted last years Miss Teen USA but I Haven’t seen Lisa or Zach in the mix for awhile now. And more importantly… What the hell ever happened to Body Glove biker shorts? Kelly has some of those on and I seriously just rubbed one out watching her booty jiggle around in them. No joke. Now I just can’t stop quivering at the thought of Screech having is own nasty porn movie. I just don’t understand the world these days.

I assume this will take about two days to get to the color I want. I plan on stripping the color three times and doing hot oil treatments in between stripping sessions. I know that oils breaks up hair color in itself and it will also help to repair and save my dry scalp and strands from all of the damaging processes it will be going through.

Then after all of that I am going to bleach it briefly to break up any color left behind as well as lightening my dark roots which have now grown out pretty far. Then I will rinse and let air dry before I color my hair my hair with the final blonde color I desire. If there is any brassiness left in my hair I will tone it with that manic panic virgin snow toner that I have and then put on a clear glaze to help with the damage and split ends.

I REALLY hope my hair turns out white rather than grey or green. I have probably a week and a half longer that I will be wearing my blue hair and enjoying it to it’s fullest so I hope to get some pictures done with it while I still have it.

I will also obviously need a hair cut after I put my tresses trough all these stresses (I rhymed!) because my ends are already split as it is since I haven’t had my hair cut since Angelia put my last fusion extensions in which was like at the beginning of last October I am pretty sure. So if anyone has any hair cuts to suggest I am all ears! If I can’t make up my mind on what cut to get I’ll probably just end up getting a trim and putting in some longer blonde hair extensions.

Ok I have a weird confession to make. I am taking vitamins right now and that’s what reminded me of it. Whenever I am trying to swallow a pill or like a shot of strong liquor and I think I am about to hurl I think of this one girls face. Her name is Kara and I find her face so sobering that it keeps me from vomiting. I guess that’s a compliment, I mean at least it keeps me from vomiting instead of inducing it.

Now I want YOU to confess something to me. Don’t be scared I am not going to tell anyone. If I refer to your confession in a future blog I will leave out who you are. You can leave it as a comment, or if you feel more comfortable you can email it to me.

lame lists
8:03PM on June 04, 2008

When I put the cat’s separate food dishes out my kitten always pushes my adult cat out of the way to eat her adult food and my adult cat likes to eat the kitten food. Does anyone know if this will hurt either of them in the long run? I don’t really know what to do about it unless I try to feed them at separate times in the day or something which is kind of a bitch. I like to get them eating out of the way ASAP during the day because the whole time they are eating my crazy dog tries to steal their food because he like cat and kitten food better than dog food. Suggestions?

I just saw a commercial for a lego Indiana Jones VIDIO GAME. Has America’s youth go so fucking lazy that they can’t even sit on their asses ad use their brains and hands to build legos in REALITY anymore?
That’s really a god damned shame. I mean, it’s not like I can’t say much since I am sitting on my ass and watching cartoon network while also typing a blog entry on one of my laptops. We are a technological nation in an ever advancing world.

I think honestly our whole ADD and ADHD epidemic in America is based on how attached we our to our fast paced technology. I mean honestly do kids even use library’s for research and such anymore? I never even crack open a book unless it’s for pleasure. I do most of my learning and research using the internet. Kids are so used to the instant gratification of computers, TV’s, movies, cell phones (which I have pretty much never had), and more. The most I had when I was a kid was one of those awesome Casio Magic Diaries they used to make.

Does anyone remember those? They were pretty much electronic organizers and I fucking loved them. I even collected them. I had like 8 maybe. I had all the major children’s releases with all the games and shit on them as well as some adult pocket organizers. I think those have pretty much given way to palm pilots and other lame shit like that now. A few years ago I found a few of my old Casio diary things and replaced their batteries to disappointedly find that they no longer worked. I have even searched for them on eBay. Man if I could find one even one of the shitty Tiger electronic ones I would be so stoked. I kept all my numbers, lists and shit in them. I even had one that would turn on TVs and VCRs so when I sat in class in elementary school I would always turn on the shit in the middle of class and confuse the hell out of substitute teachers.

Substitute teacher had to think I was insane back them. I mean anytime we had one I would have a field day. Remember those teddy bear backpacks that were in style to carry around like 1995-97? Well I had a shit ton of those too and I would always carry one as a purse. ( I have searched to find these online as well to no avail.) When we had a sub, I would always insist that my purse bear had to have a desk to sit in like the rest of the kids and if they got in my way I would say that they were discriminating against them since they were a bear and not a human. I would raise all kinds of hell until I could get them a desk and seat.

Then when the teachers would ask questions of the class I would raise my hand and say that my bear wanted to answer the question then I would ask the bear what they wanted to say to the class, and wait with no response and tell them to speak up and not to be shy… Basically having a whole conversation with my bear bag and taking up precious class time. Also one thing I remember telling a sub in History class is that god punished white people out of Africa and made them white because god hated them. Hahahhahahaha! I would fucking have to go to the bathroom to crack up at the shit I would do to these assholes. No wonder everyone thought I was a freak and I never had many friends.

By the way I have a long ass list of things to do today, so I’ll share what my plan are.

1. Sign up for the rest of the domme top sites
2. Sign up for more forums
3. Set up my page to sell my clips and movies individually so if people want to just buy those instead of subscribing for a month to my site they can do so!
4. Update my profiles and photos on my online modeling resume
5. Put my new free streaming cam up on my Free Cam page on my site. (www.Justin.tv/undressjess)
6. Redo my Facebook profile since my last one was deleted.
7. Post a sexy UndressJess Teaser on adult video sites and my Vlog on regular video sites.

I’ll have to do all of this while sitting in public at a damn coffee shop around loser assholes that try to talk to me about whatever they see me doing on the computer. Bah!

I’m watch Archie Bunker. I love him. He reminds me of a white version of my late granddad who I liked to call “PawPaw.” He called ugly fat women “water buffalo’s” and he would scream at people that didn’t know how to drive and called them “shit for brains”. That’s just pure class.

It’s so fucking hot today I am sitting here with the box air conditioner on me on 70 and still sweating my ass off. I am now watching the movie Beloved about that ex slave woman that attempted to kill her two little girls when the slave master came to the north where she had fled to escape him. He was coming to reclaim the children as his property and she would rather see them dead then back in his hands. Well later on down the road like 20 years The mother is still survived with one of the daughter but one died during the attempt, well the dead child comes back from the grave as an adult that has the mind set of a little baby and only knows her name as “beloved” as that was what is etched into her grave.

There is a lot more that goes on other than that but that’s kind of the main happening. This movie used to scare the royal shit out of me when I was little even though I loved it.

I just sewed the ribbons on my new pointe shoes. I don’t know really what I plan to do with them since I don’t have any hard wood floors and not really any room to practice but fuck it I’m going to, I want my ballet calves back. I miss dancing so much in general it’s painful to even think about.

This movie makes me remember how lucky I was to know my great grandparents. My great grandmother was born in 1919 and he name was Mildred Winfrie Pointer. I don’t remember her maiden name but she was the best woman I have ever known.