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Domestic Violence Is Wrong!!!
12:02AM on July 06, 2009

Ok, I just wanted to make this blog about me and the past 9 years of my life. I met this guy where I worked at with my best friend. I was a senior in high school and prom was like just a couple months off. Well the guy who I was wanting to go with wasn’t in high school he worked with us also. He is the type of guy who doesn’t like big crowds and just wouldn’t go. So my friend introduced me to my now ex-husband. We went to the prom and for some unknown reason I fell in love with him. I don’t know why really because to look back on things now he was a real smart ass and treated people bad then I guess when you think you are in love their bad habits are unseen by you. Well we end up getting married and the first 6 months to a year was good. After that he started with all the brain worshiping and degrading shit to me. Telling me that I was fat and he never once told me I was even pretty looking back on it now. He called me every name you could think of whore, bitch, slut and everything else. And I always asked him why he would call me a whore and slut for because I was a virgin when I met him and he was the only guy I ever had sex with or messed with. I guess that’s one reason why I stayed with him. He always told me that no other guy would want me, I was too fat and ugly and no man would want to be with me. He told me this constantly and beat it into my head that I started believing it.
I married him on my 18th birthday in 1999 and man o man I tell you what it was the worst thing I could have done. I did everything I could to make him love me. I just don’t understand I mean I totally understand now that I am out of that marriage why I stayed in it and why I did the things I did. I mean I guess because he was the first guy I ever had sex with I wanted to stay with him and I honestly thought I loved him.
All the friends I had from school either quit talking to me over him or he made them mad and anytime I told him I wanted to visit my friends he always said no. He controlled every aspect of my life. He made sure any friends that I did have was his friends that he had. I did everything I could to show him I loved him. I cooked, cleaned, worked, and did everything I could in the bedroom to satisfy him, but nothing I ever did was good enough for him.
Then comes in the physical abuse I don’t remember exactly when it started happening, but he started off lightly like hitting me with his fist like on my arm or leg just to see how I would act or pushing and shoving me down. He would scream and yell at me and have me crying so hard I could hardly breathe. He would be in my face or in my ear screaming tell me how worthless I am. That I am not a woman. Then he would go on to a more serious abuse. He would start smacking my face or throwing very heavy objects at my face or where ever he could hit me at. He would pull my hair and even spit on me.
About the 2nd or 3rd year of our so called marriage he cheats on me and leaves out of state with that woman. Well she must not have wanted him for more than a fling cause it wasn’t long that he was back and for some dumb reason I went back to him. Everything was ok for about a month. He treated me good, man it didn’t last long. After that he reverted right back to the same old piece of shit he was before. After all the years of being verbally, mentally and physically abused and a lot of people knew about it but they could never make me understand that I deserved better.
Well all that brain worshiping made me think that I needed him and couldn’t live or make it without him. Fast forwarding to November 2008 I had enough of all the beatings and name calling and tired of crying myself to sleep and being so depressed and feeling like I was nothing but just someone taking up space in the world. I had the gut instinct he was cheating on me again and I had had enough of all of it. I was finally in a place in my mind where I knew I needed to change my life. I threw all his shit out of the front door and told him to get the hell out and never come back. Believe me it was a tough time. I went through 2 weeks of pure hell where I was trying to revert back to wanting him to come back. All I could do was pray to God all day every day. I was so sick I couldn’t eat, sleep or hold anything down or in. One of my friends told me that I had to look at it as my body’s way of getting rid of all the hell he had put me through all those years and that did make some sense. I know I didn’t tell all details of everything that happened in my hellish marriage and there is things I don’t want to share or cant.
I want to tell this story so that any women who may read it can understand what I went through if you are going through the same thing I understand completely. Everyone always asks why do you stay with a person if they are beating you or whatever else it may be that they are doing. Well there is several things that could make you stay. For me I thought I loved him. I thought I could change him. I thought I could make him love me. I thought I deserved the way I was being treated. I thought I was ugly and all those horrible things he would say to me. I honestly believed everything he said to me.
I want you to know that if you get out things will get better. If you believe in God or whoever you pray to or believe in and you can make it through it. Just let yourself go through the grieving process. I know it’s hard to do and sometimes you may just want to give up and go back, but don’t stick with it things will get better I promise you they will.
I thought that all men where the same and I always kept it in my head that no man would ever want me and all those things he put in my head would pop up. I still have some things in my head that will take time to go away but I am getting a lot better. I never thought that I would find another man that would love me. I came to Rude to have some fun and try to get things out of my head. Well I don’t know how it happened, but I am LOVE again. The greatest thing in world happened to me when I met Tracy. I was so scared to open up, but I wanted to also. He has shown me that not all men are alike. He has done so much for me and he will never know how much he has done or how much I truly LOVE him for this. He knows a lot of my dark past and secrets. Tracy and his heart is so big and amazing. I love him more than anything in the world and he is trying to make me understand that I am beautiful. When we first started talking he would call me beautiful and I would just over look it sometimes I mean I couldn’t believe another man would think I am beautiful, but he has always said that from like day one and has never missed a day saying it to me in one way or another. I love him so much for that. After a while I have actually come to believe that I am beautiful and that a man can love me the way I am. I don’t have to change myself to please him. He loves my heart and body the way it is.
I am still self concious about my body, but I am getting better about it. I used to hate every single part of my body, but Tracy has made a very huge change in the way I think about myself now. I don’t know what I would do without him. He has brought so much love and positive things into my life.
Ladies and even some men you deserve better. If you are being beaten or degraged and called names and have asked them so many times to stop and they just think it is funny. Do what you can to get out and do better for yourself. I know you can if I did it. I didn’t think I could ever survive alone, but I am doing it and doing very well I might add. I have even started in college something I never thought I would ever do in life. My life is going in the right direction for me now and I’m loving it better every day.
TRACY I WANT TO LEAVE THIS LITTLE MESSAGE FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO READ THIS. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND I AM SO GLAD GOD PUT US TOGETHER IN LIFE. IF I NEVER MET YOU I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WOULD HAVE ENDED UP IN LIFE. EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT TOGETHER PHYSICALLY YET WE WILL BE AND WHEN WE DO I WILL SHOW YOU IN PERSON HOW MUCH I TRULY LOVE YOU LIKE I SAY WHEN I TALK TO YOU. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE AND VIEWS ON THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER. I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON IN LIFE FOR MEETING YOU. YOU AND YOUR HEART ARE SO AMAZING. I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW IS THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THAT WE CAN CHANGE THE WAY SOME PEOPLE THINK. I LOVE YOU TRACY AND I KNOW THAT I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME AND UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM COMING FROM. WE GO THROUGH A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE GOOD IN THE LONG RUN. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU FROM DAY ONE. YOUR HEART JUST SHINED THROUGH AND EVERY SINCE THEN I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.
I LOVE YOU TRACY!!!